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To who ever reads this,

I hope that this section will give some insight on how it has felt dealing with a situation as we have from a fathers point of view. From what I have seen it is rather uncommon for a father to speak out and express his feelings and allow others to see the pain that he has went through. However I'm hoping that I can stop that by doing this and possibly offer some comfort to other fathers who have to grieve through the process as I have.

I want to start this by saying that this is not easy. Not to write or think about my feelings. Though I am great with words something's are still very hard for me to say so please understand that these words are from my heart and they are with great pride that I speak of my son and yet it is filled with tremendous sorrow because he isn't on earth with us anymore. There will be alot on this page that many people who know me don't know about me and my past. So here goes.

When I first found out about Timothy I can honestly say it was the single most happiest day of my life. I didn't care wether it was a boy or girl I just prayed that it would be healthy. I had previously lost three other children to miscarriages throughout my life and they had continued to haunt me so to speak. However the news alone that I was going to be a father drowned the fears that I had once had. Just the feeling inside of you is wonderful. I can't start to describe it. Then one night while we were sitting watching a movie I was doing my normal duty giving Timothy a little rub down and also giving Jaime's tummy a rub down I felt him kick. 10 weeks old I felt him kick. I was dumbfounded. Shocked and it almost brought me to tears. It was a feeling that I will never forget.
Through her pregnancy I was helping her everyday. Step my step watching my son grow. Then they excited day came for his first real ultrasound. I was shocked. They couldn't tell me the sex but it was wonderful watching his little body squirm around and kick. Now the kicker was they still weren't sure of his due date. So they scheduled another ultrasound for 4-6 weeks later. We went in and were almost done when the lady doing the ultrasound went over his "parts". I came out of my chair. "Is that what I think it is?" those were the only words that I could muster up. She told us that yes that was it and he was a boy. Tears fell from my face as my heart filled up with so much pride and joy that I was having a son.

I did everything. I went clothes shopping with her and did everything else that I could to get involved. Even went through the morning sickness and other pleasant things that are always with having a child.

Then the blessed day came. They induced her. She was a real trooper through it all. But the single thing that I will remember more than anything is that I was the first person for Timothy to see. When they turned him around so he would be head up coming out. He looked at me with those big blue eyes almost saying that he loved me.

Then the day came and we found out that Timothy was sick and had to have surgery. I broke down and lost it. I still to this day don't think that it is fair that sometimes you have to have a funeral for your children instead of them for you. It isn't natural. (But more about that later on.) After regaining what I had left of my composure we found out that his condition was fixable and there was a 95% success rate. I still wasn't thrilled about having to have him cut open and someone playing with his heart but I was going to do anything to ensure that he had a normal life.
He came through the surgery better than they could have hoped. I was so happy all my fears again had went away. Then it happened. He started getting sicker. We didn't know what was going and I was so scared that I was going to lose him. I just couldn't admit it to myself or anyone else that I may have to let him go. Then the second surgery. It was hell. He looked so bad and I just wanted to take him outta that place and take him home and cuddle him with me.
Well we made it through that and again we came home and everything seemed fine. Then again it started happening. I couldn't and wouldn't ever think about it thought it was always there. I knew it was happening but I couldn't believe it was happening to me. Again I was going to lose something that was so dear to me and a part of me.
They told us that he was dying. It confirmed it. I couldn't take it and I went into a state of shock. He didn't look sick. He just wasn't eating and had a hard time breathing when he got made. That was all.
On Feb. 17 Timothy passed away. I spent the next few days up till the funeral trying to make grasps of what has happened to us.
The main thing that I struggled with for so long was what did I do so bad that my child has to suffer this way and have to die. And I won't lie to you I still feel that way certain days though I know that it isn't true its always going to be a thought and somewhere down deep you will always blame yourself, especially when there isn't someone else to blame. Its like as people we have to blame someone and with Timothy's case more than any. There isn't anyone to lay the blame on.
I wish that I could give you some words of wisdom and tell you something that could help you through this and other troubling times but I can't. I can tell you to look to god and he won't give you the answers that you want but sometimes when you really are with him. Something comes to you and you don't understand it or it doesn't make sense but it comforts you. Its a feeling knowing that your child isn't suffering anymore and that they are in a place where they will have what you always wanted them to have. The chance to be normal. And if you really stop and think about it they are better than us. They don't have a body that will die on them. They don't have to take medicines or be attached to some machine just so they can stay alive. They can play and learn and live. For once they can be just like everyone else that is with them.
That is what I find comfort in. Knowing that my son is having the life that I always wanted him to have. Even when I knew that he was dying I wanted him to be as normal as possible. We still read to him and treated him as we did before. And the time that we spent was quality. I know that we got more time than some of you reading this did with your children. But I can say this for us all. No matter how long we had with them..... it never would have been enough.